Giddiness - NOT amateur radio

Whilst at Chippenham Park to see the snowdrops before lunch I was able to compare how I felt last year with this.

Driving there and back feels much more stressful than it was. 45mph feels to me like 60mph! I feel more tired and giddy than I remember a year ago. It is hard to tell whether these things are just old age or as a result of my 2013 stroke.

I feel older than I did. Now that is a daft thing to say! What I mean is I feel older in myself. Yes, I know we all get older all the time!  😀

Brain overload? - NOT amateur radio

This may just be old age or another effect of my 2013 stroke. Driving has become much harder in the last year. When going 45mph it feels like 65mph. Also, I find I am always looking out for things that could happen, like drivers pulling out and not seeing me.

It is almost as if my brain is now more like someone with autism that has too much to process. My wife thinks this is all in the mind. She may be right. Certainly driving is tiring and stressful. Even with someone else driving I am still in brain overload.

Brain fog - NOT amateur radio

This may be old age creeping up, but I think it is another artefact of my 2013 stroke.

I am nearly always tired and my brain feels foggy, as if living in a bit of a daze. Of course, others are unaware, but I find physical or mental tasks much harder. Years ago, with a clear head, I would apply logical thinking to problems. It is much harder now.

Exhaustion and giddiness - NOT amateur radio

To be honest, the after effects of my 2013 stroke are getting me down. In the last few years there has been no improvement.

Today, the loft ladder beckoned (not actually into the loft, where I've not been since 2013!).

All the time on my feet giddiness and exhaustion are the main issues. Compared with my pre-stroke days, there are many things that can no longer be done. Chatting is now hard! Thinking of the positives, much can still be done. In many ways my life is far better than that of many. For this I am grateful.

At some point I need to re-erect my HF antenna and this involves getting up a ladder to the flat roof of my garage. In the past, this would have been trivial!

Giddiness - NOT amateur radio

Since my stroke in 2013 I have felt giddy on my feet. In the last year this has got worse. Not only that, but all car driving has become more stressful. Even a 4 mile trip to Tesco fills me with dread. When I drive I seem to be OK. My wife says I am the same as ever and it is all in the mind. 45 mph feels like 70-80mph to me! I am aware I must drive slowly and this embarrasses  me.

Giddy, exhausted, fog - NOT amateur radio

Many times I have tried to explain just how I feel.

Outwardly I look fine. Inside it is a constant struggle with near continuous giddiness and exhaustion and living in a kind of fog. What few realise is just appearing "normal" takes vast amounts of energy. My voice is poor and just doing ordinary things is now hard. Eating food and drinking I am desperately trying not to spill things or choke.

Although I still drive, I no longer enjoy it as the mental concentration is immense.

Whereas at one time I felt as if I was getting better, I no longer think this is the case. Many are far worse than me. To use a Yorkshire phrase "mustn't grumble". However, life is tough.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Frustration - NOT amateur radio

"Mustn't grumble".

Since my 2013 stroke physically most people think I am fully recovered. On the whole this is a good thing and I am grateful: things could have been so much worse. My main disabilities are my poor voice and feeling giddy all the time when on my feet.

The poor voice is a real drawback. Often I have to repeat myself several times and this is exhausting. I get really frustrated when I need to explain myself, but know the energy to be expended is too much. In casual conversations it is easier to remain quiet. I miss just joining in to casual chats.

What few understand is how much energy I use just to appear normal. Walking and driving are exhausting. To most I look just fine, yet I am clumsy and nearly always exhausted. Life is tougher than it once was, but "mustn't grumble".

As I have said before, do not judge a book by its cover. Often people who look or behave "normally" may be suffering in silence.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Brain fog - NOT amateur radio

Earlier I was reading something about the hidden symptoms of MS and was struck by how similar these were to my own symptoms following my 2013 stroke.

On my feet I'm always giddy and I often say it is like living in a sort of continual fog and getting exhausted very quickly.

Outwardly I look well and indeed most people think that, 5 years on, I am fully recovered. Like MS sufferers, they have little idea!

Stroke update - NOT amateur radio

Only some are interested, and that I can understand, but I have updated the page about the after-effects of my 2013 stroke.

If you are interested the updated version is at:

https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

It was updated April 8th 2019.

Misunderstanding - NOT amateur radio

In 2013, I suffered a brain bleed that has left me with hidden disabilities. On my feet I am permanently exhausted. My voice is poor. Doing anything physical or mental and I am exhausted after about 20-25 minutes.  I am convinced that no-one, really no-one, really understands how I feel inside.

Outwardly I look well. Many think I am fully recovered. It takes a lot of energy to look and behave "normally", so I have a great deal of sympathy with people who appear well, but are not.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke  .

Spelling - NOT amateur radio

This must be another after-effect of my 2013 stroke. These days I find spelling harder. It is as if my brain does not do the "auto-correct" it used to do. It is almost a sort of word blindness and that obvious errors are not spotted. In the last few days alone I made 3 mistakes. This could just be old age, but it feels like something else. I just need to check things more carefully in future.

Whatever our situation, we have to make the best of it. We are what we are now.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Stroke update - NOT amateur radio

If this is of no interest please feel free to ignore it and look at another post. 

These days (5.5 years after my 2013 stroke) it is hard to tell what is old age and what are the after-effects of the stroke. When on my feet, I feel giddy all the time. I think this is worse than it was. My voice is poor. I find driving stressful. These feel like stroke after-effects.

Life is about making the best of "us" as we are. My main issue is most people assume I am "normal". Indeed I look fine. This is the trouble with hidden disabilities: people simply do not understand.

This is why I use digital modes like WSPR and FT8 a lot: my voice is not needed and I can be "normal". Sadly, my experiments away from home are all but impossible. I get exhausted quite easily with almost any physical or mental activity: after about 25 minutes I am exhausted. By exhausted I really mean exhausted, not just tired. After a rest I am fine again. Thankfully, time on the PC does not wear me out.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Joining the dots - NOT amateur radio

I am not sure if this is just old age or yet another after effect of my 2013 stroke. A few moments ago my wife said "carnations last for a long time". I thought she said "car engines last a long time". Clearly I misheard!

Living every day - NOT amateur radio

We are told to enjoy every day and live in the moment. Sometimes we have to think of the future.  Last year Michael Johnson, the America athlete, suffered a transient stroke (TIA), from which he recovered. The cause was not discovered, so he has a shadow hanging over him that it could happen again.

Speaking from experience, strokes can occur out of the blue. Tomorrow is yet to be. One thing is certain: it will not be what you expect.  Enjoy the now.

See https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/athletics/46798931 .

Stroke update - NOT amateur radio

It is 5 years since my stroke. Although compared with many I am quite lucky, I still feel far from right. Outwardly I look well and few realise how I really am. Some would call this a hidden disability. I feel sorry for others who look well on the outside, but inside feel very different.

The latest thing is clumsiness. Now this may be my stroke or just getting older, but I feel more clumsy than I did. This last few months have been particularly hard. Driving has always been harder, but now I avoid driving whenever I can.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke .

Exhaustion - NOT amateur radio

This is probably an after-effect of my stroke 5 years ago. Every morning after breakfast I am totally exhausted. I need to rest and do very little. Then I feel a bit better. Compared with 6 years ago, I am much more clumsy and lacking in energy. A few nights ago I dreamt I could run. Sadly, it was just a dream.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Dreams and giddiness - NOT amateur radio

Twice recently I dreamed that my giddiness had gone. For about 5 years since my stroke, I have felt giddy. Outwardly I look well with a healthy tan. Most people think I am fully recovered. How wrong they are! Inside I am always giddy on my feet, frequently exhausted, and living in a sort of confused fog. I feel a shadow of how I was. My voice is poor and some drinks are very hard.

Sadly, after these dreams I awake and realise these were just dreams and nothing has changed.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Eureka moment? - NOT amateur radio

For the last 5 years I have been fighting to get better from my stroke. Now I think this is how I am going to be.  It is pointless fighting it and myself. As I am now is probably how I shall always be: giddy, tired and with a poor voice.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

If I make further improvements so well and good, but my energies are better spent trying to cope with the "new me" rather than fighting. This may seem trivial to others, but to me it marks a turning point.

More stroke - NOT amateur radio

Many are not interested, and this I can understand, but I feel the need to express to others just how I feel inside. Life is tough.

Giddy, exhausted, fog is how I'd best describe how I feel most of the time, especially when on my feet. My voice is also poor. Outwardly I look well with a heathy tan. However, inside I feel awful. However hard I try, I am unable to convey just how I feel.

On a recent holiday, someone else who had had a stroke said, "others just don't understand". How right he was. These are exactly my feelings and this precisely expresses my frustration. Others cannot possibly understand.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke

Stroke update - NOT amateur radio

Although outwardly I look well (so people tell me) on the inside it is very different. The best way is to say I live in a giddy, exhausted, confused fog most of my waking time. My voice is poor but otherwise I cope. People talk about hidden disabilities - I really know!

Never, ever, judge a book by its cover, as they say. By the way, who are "they"? 😏