Sneezing and speed - NOT amateur radio

Two things I have put down to my 2013 stroke may seem bizarre to others. They are my perception of speed (as mentioned before) and sneezing.

For some time I have been aware that my perception of speed is "different" in that I feel I am going 20mph faster than I am. I was not aware of this in a coach until this week. On the way to London in a coach we seemed to be going very fast. In a car this is noticeable when I think I am going over 60mph and look at the speedometer and see I am doing less than 50mph and there is a queue of cars behind me!

The second thing seems trivial, but when I feel a sneeze coming on I always sneeze. I am sure this is different.

These are only mentioned as they are subtle artefacts I think of my stroke. Probably others affected by strokes have noticed other things affecting them.

Being tired , giddy and with a poor voice and amateur radio

Back in 2013 I suffered a stroke. Luckily, unlike many, I had few long-term issues such as paralysis. The long-term issues I have are poor speech, giddiness and tiredness. I suspect this has altered the way I enjoy amateur radio. 

Over 30 years ago I worked 10m QRP SSB DXCC, so I am no longer fussed about working DX.  Although I still use voice modes like SSB and FM, I use these less. The main modes I use these days are WSPR and FT8.  

Nowadays I get as much fun from 1-way reports of my QRP signals as I do from 2-way QSOs.  Had I not had my stroke, I am unsure how important voice modes would still be. I agree that voice modes are essential for the continuance of amateur radio in the form we are used to. 

As I have mentioned before, as we age (many radio amateurs will be over 90 in 20 years), and as PTTs grow tired of amateur radio, that generates no revenue, I can see the future of our hobby is under threat. Hopefully I am wrong.

Can you hear and understand me? - NOT amateur radio

On two occasions recently I have discovered that when I speak (what sounds perfectly fine to me) is not at all clear to others. I guess my wife know what I say now.

Those that know me are not embarrassed and ask me to repeat. Those that don't know me don't know how to react. This is one reason I tend not to engage in casual chitchat. It is fine if I am understood,  but just not worth the effort if I have to repeat myself. Writing is fine, whereas talking is far harder.

My stroke was September 2013, but poor speech is still one of my handicaps. I get exhausted very quickly which people just cannot understand.

What I find really frustrating is arguing a point. When I know something is not correct I find it very very difficult to get my point across.

My impression of speed - NOT amateur radio

Back in 2013, I had a stroke and was in hospital for 3.5 months. Apart from feeling giddy and my poor voice, I made a good recovery. In the car I drove hundreds of kilometers with no problem.

In the last few years, it is as if my concept of speed has changed.  Glancing down at the speedometer when I think I am going 60-70mph and see I am only going at about 46mph!! Everything on the roads seem to be going fast.  My wife says it is all in the mind, but I go at what think is the right speed, but actually it is slow. It also my worry that my reaction times are slower.

Now, this could just be old age or it could be a result of my stroke 10.5 years ago.

I am wondering others would are "old" also experience this?

Driving is no longer fun.

Frustration - NOT amateur radio

As already mentioned, every month a group of friends from work meet up in different pubs for a meal and chat. What I did not mention was my frustration. Let me explain. 

Usually there are about 6 people there. Sometimes there are fewer and sometimes more. Since my 2013 stroke, I have found speaking much harder. To me, my voice sounds fine. What is clear is that others find it quiet and hard to understand! For this reason, I tend not to engage in casual chitchat. 

In the car coming home last night someone mentioned Southampton University. I tried to join by saying that when there many years ago for a Ph.D interview I had lunch with Jocelyn Bell who discovered pulsars. Either because nobody heard me or they were too embarrassed to ask me to repeat myself or speak louder, I got no response. After all this time (10 years) I am very happy to be asked to repeat myself or speak louder. What frustrates me is the silence: did they not hear me at all or could they not understand me?

Some with strokes end up far worse than me.

Tired, giddy and exhausted - NOT amateur radio

It is almost 10 years ago I suffered my brain bleed/stroke and was in hospital for 3.5 months. Thankfully, I made an almost complete physical recovery and was able to get back to an almost normal life. I was given a second chance, unlike many.

My main issues are my poor voice, being giddy nearly all the waking hours, and getting exhausted very quickly after physical or mental exertion.  Whereas before I enjoyed going out in the car doing experiments, I no longer feel able. I still drive, but do not enjoy it. Driving seems to require so much more concentration for me nowadays. All the time I am reading the situation, looking for stupid drivers. It is almost as if my brain takes longer to process things. Driving at 50mph feels like 70mph.

The net result is trying to find ways to enjoy things differently. These days, my experiments are at home rather than "in the field".

Although I long to be as I once was, I know this can never be, so we have to make the best of life.

See https://sites.google.com/view/g3xbm4/home/non-amateur-radio/stroke .

Total exhaustion - NOT amateur radio

Things are far harder for me nowadays. Although I try to do "normal" things , I get exhausted very quickly after mental or physical things. This must be a combination of getting older and my 2013 stroke. My stroke after-effects cause me to be giddy almost all my waking hours. This is a "hidden disability" that few can see or understand.

As I have said many times, never judge a book by its cover. Many people suffer in silence whilst casual observers can see nothing wrong and mistake exhaustion for laziness.

Stroke? - NOT amateur radio

My stroke was in 2013. Apart from my poor voice and always being giddy, most of my body is fine.

I am now even more aware of a couple of things that may have been a result of my stroke or just old age. 

Firstly, names of words rarely automatically look wrong when they are written down.  At one time I could just look at a word and know it was wrong. 

Secondly, I hate driving or being driven. It as if my mind is in overdrive and stressful. All the time I am thinking of potential hazards. It also seems my perception of speed is different. It feels like everything seems faster 30mph feels like 50mph and so on. Perhaps my brain needs more time to process things.

Frustration

Since my 2013 stroke, I have not really been able to do field work. I used to enjoy tests at VLF and 481THz "in the field".  Instead, I concentrate on what I can do. Our hobby has many faces and there is so much to enjoy. My main interests are WSPR and FT8, which don't tax my voice.

I still enjoy 2m and 70cm activity contests and go on our club net most weeks on 2m FM.

Building things was one of my pleasures, but sadly my eyesight and fine motor skills make this very hard. I won't say impossible, but it is now far from easy.

Exhaustion and giddiness - NOT amateur radio

It is extremely hard to get other people to understand my giddiness and exhaustion. 

This is an after-effect of my 2013 stroke.  All the time when awake, I feel giddy. Much of the time I feel exhausted. Not tired, totally exhausted. Any exertion leaves me very, very, tired. Many people think this is laziness. It is not.

In the past, I quite liked driving. These days, even short journeys are stressful. I guess my reaction times are longer and my brain makes all driving seem 20mph faster. Also, it is as if my brain is in overload when driving: all the time I am thinking of potential hazards.

Outwardly I look totally fine, much like many people who have MS or similar conditions. This is in some ways a good thing. In other ways it is hard, as people just do not understand.

My voice is also poor: it is very hard repeating myself as others do not understand what I am saying.

Brain overload, stroke and autism - NOT amateur radio

As many of you will know, I had a stroke in 2013, out of the blue. It put me in hospital for 3.5 months. I had never before stayed in hospital!  All strokes are different, and overall I was lucky with all my main functions remaining intact. My fine motor skills are poor.  Although you may disagree (!), my intellectual functions seem unchanged.

I am currently reading a book by Oliver Sacks that has got me thinking. Now, this may just be me getting older, but I am aware of some changes. Since my stroke, I always felt giddy and have had a very poor voice, although most of me works. My wife and I have enjoyed some good holidays both here and abroad. Apart from the giddiness, walking is OK.

In the last year, I have been aware of brain overload. When driving I seem to think of everything that can be a hazard. Driving is no longer a pleasure. Generally, things seem to be exaggerated. It strikes me that this is similar to how some autistic people must experience the world - basically my brain feels overloaded.

It leaves me wondering - are some strokes and some forms of autism similar? I'd be interested to hear of any research in this area.

Doctor's comment - NOT amateur radio

Some years ago (after my 2013 stroke) my doctor said to me, "is it all too much?".  I replied, "of course not". I guess he asks this quite often of old people. 

I guess if I had replied, "yes, it is all too much" he would have interpreted my answer as looking to palliative care rather than seeking a cure in the event of serious illness. Many years later, I get tired easily. Life is more of a struggle. 

If he asked me now though, I would still give the same answer. I guess as you get older you have to adapt and accept that some things you once could do you cannot.

Stroke and autistic brains?

In the last few years I have noticed some changes. I am unsure if this is just old age or an after-effect of my stroke some years ago.

When I drive (or am driven) I seem to go slower than before: 50mph feels like 70mph.  Also, I am constantly aware of potential issues and dangers. It is if my brain is all the time aware of potential dangers on the roads. I am totally unable to relax. In fact I hate being driven or driving these days. This seems similar to how autistic people must feel.

Any medics here have any views?

Brain fog - NOT amateur radio

Since my 2013 stroke, I have suffered with what can best be described as "brain fog". 

Although I am mostly fine, I get exhausted quickly and my whole waking life is like walking through treacle: it is as if it is a dream, with me not fully there. 

It is hard to describe, but makes me seem lazy and fuzzy minded. Everyday tasks, physical and mental, are far harder. I can still do them, but things are not as clear or easy. 

My main issue is giddiness: all the time it feels like I am about to fall, although I rarely do.

Overall, I am luckier than many. Most people are totally unaware of my hidden disabilities.

What CAN I still do?

Since my 2013 stroke I have been giddy all my waking time, had a very poor voice and get exhausted very quickly. 

All the time I am conscious of all the things I used to be able to do without effort that I can no longer do. Some of these things may still be as a result of my stroke, whereas others may just be because I am getting older.

Maybe I need to change the way I think and focus on all the things I can do rather than the things I cannot.

For example:

• I still manage 2 weekly 2m FM nets.
• I still manage the 2m and 70cm UKAC activity contests each month.
• FT8 and WSPR operation is fine.
• Cutting the grass is still possible.
• Getting breakfast ready is still possible.
• Gardening for short periods is still possible.
• Washing the dishes is still possible.
• Ironing is still possible.
• etc...

Quite a few things are still possible. Getting older, I should expect to find some things harder, so maybe I should accept these and alter my focus. I need to look harder at the things I can do! Making this mental leap is not easy.

Brain fog - NOT amateur radio

In the last year we have heard a lot about "Long Covid" and brain fog.

I have a lot of sympathy for sufferers as I have had brain fog for 7.5 years following my stroke. Every day, along with the near constant tiredness and giddiness, I have brain fog. 

It is like doing things in a near constant state of exhaustion and drunkenness. Things mental and physical that would have been easy years ago are now hard. Doing any amateur radio design and building is now incredibly taxing.

My best description is like being drunk all the time: it is hard to do even the simplest task. With willpower jobs gets done, eventually. As an example, I am trying to find an intermittent fault on my son's electric lawnmower. I have had this all winter, but have not felt the energy to undo the screws and take a look.

I have great sympathy for anyone with a hidden disability. Outwardly we look fine to the world whereas inwardly it is a totally different story: we do all in our power to seem fine, but we struggle.

We do not like to moan, but it is very hard when others think you are fine.

Stroke update - NOT amateur radio

My 2013 stroke left me outwardly looking fine, but it has had a lasting impact on me. Before I was quite active and healthy, but these days things are far harder. 

In many ways I am more fortunate than many. My voice is poor and driving, and being driven, is far harder. A few years ago I could drive 300 miles to Devon. Even 10 miles is hard these days.

See https://sites.google.com/site/g3xbmqrp3/stroke .

2014 FaceBook Memory - NOT amateur radio

One of my FaceBook memories today was this photo of me shortly after 3.5 months in hospital following a brain bleed. 

The hedge behind me is now fully mature and much bigger. 

Although still giddy all of the time and with a poor voice, I am otherwise in good shape. The Zimmer frame soon went! 

For several months I had most of my food and drink via a peg directly into my stomach. For many years now I have been able to eat and drink normally. Until you cannot, you don't realise how eating and drinking normally is so important. In hospital I used to dream about simple food!

Stroke and getting older - NOT amateur radio

Back in 2013, out of the blue, I had a stroke that put me in hospital for 3.5 months. It was a shock. For a couple of years I expected to get back to normal. Indeed, most of me works although my voice is poor and I feel giddy almost all the time. Otherwise I am fairly fine. Certainly others looking at me consider me "normal" whatever that means!

Getting older it is harder to tell what is a lingering after-effect of that stroke and what is just old age creeping in. As mentioned before, one's outlook on life changes.  When younger, life seemed endless, whereas as we become older we are more aware of our limited lifespan.

Many of us have seen people of our age, or younger, die. I guess as someone said a few weeks ago, he gets up and says to himself, "I am alive and I going to enjoy today". Certainly each day is a gift.

Exhaustion - NOT amateur radio

As many know, I had a stroke back in 2013. Despite being giddy all the time and my voice being poor, most of me recovered and I have enjoyed almost 7 years of good health.

More recently I seem to be more exhausted and more giddy. This may be age catching up with me. I am still determined to do what I can. "Onwards and upwards", as they say!

In this situation, some could give up. That is not my way.